Shitty Reviews

A Parody of Reality

Nicolas Cage

Interestingly enough, I have seen perhaps one or two Nick Cage movies in my life, and yet, I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that Lindsay Lohan is a better actor than he is, and I do not base that solely on my powerful adoration of her pale, freckly tits.

The most recent movie I have seen with Cage in it is Ghost Rider, a horrific shitstorm of an adaption of a mixture of Ghost Rider comic books. He plays Johnny Blaze (not to be confused with Method Man – who would have played a much better Ghost Rider. Did you see him in Garden State? He was fucking harsh.),

Fuck you students in a forest doing a report on unsubstantiated bullshit.

I found the Blair Witch, and he is high as fuck.

a defunct, boring, soulless stunt biker with nothing going on for him except a distant story of where he almost had the opportunity to sleep with a younger, uglier Eva Mendes. Oh, and he sold his soul to an old ass devil-like figure for the sake of saving his father’s life. Yawn.

You know who would have made a much better Ghost Rider than Nick Cage? Dane Cook. I really have nothing clever to follow that up with, but I suppose that explains Dane Cook’s humor well enough to get the idea across, anyways. Ghost Rider as a whole is actually a bastion of shitty acting, mind-numbingly horrendous plot “twists,” and overall CGI-absurdity. Eva Mendes was the only decent actress involved, and I say this having no idea what her voice sounds like or what her face looks like.

I should stop here, I suppose, to admit that there is one Nicolas Cage movie that I can sit through happily without any genuine complaints: Con Air. This is for two reasons, being that John Cusack is in it, and that adorable little Hispanic girl that danced on the plane they stole. No, I’m not going to mention Danny Trejo – the knife-thrower from Desperado doesn’t need any god damn mention to be more amazing than Brian Boitano’s triple lutz, candy-coated with Jason Statham’s semen.

Nick Cage is probably most famous for his collection of overrated National Treasure movies.

You don't want to know where his hand is.

You taint-tickling son of a bitch.

I have never seen these movies, which is exactly why I can say they’re overrated, because too many fucking people keep telling me to see them. Why? If I want to watch shit dry I’ll sit in front of the carpet surrounding my toilet that looks like a paper bag from Whole Foods. From what I understand, the premise of the National Treasure movie franchise as a whole is that Nicolas Cage’s character, Ben Gates, uncovers a plot where Scientologists plan to take over the world using a serum implanted into the jelly of donuts through some multi-national company of donut makers in which “You ‘Kin Do It!”

Having uncovered this plot, Mr. Cage frolics through the catacombs of a McDonald’s in Salt Lake City and blah, blah, blah, no one fucking cares and no one ever will. Let me tell you the real plot of the movie, and every other movie Nick Cage has ever been in: Nicolas Cage does his own hair after taking a shower in short-cut face whiskers and cat shit, puts on a wife-beater and/or leather jacket, finds a torch, and mimics Keanu Reeves’s empty, enigmatic voice for roughly two taint-torturing hours.

That’s it. There’s nothing fucking else. Did you see City of Angels? You’re God damn right you didn’t. No one did. No one with a dick, at least, unless you were a fan of the Goo Goo Dolls.

Alright, "Iris" was pretty good, I guess.

Alright, "Iris" was pretty good, I guess.

In summation, it’s not so much that Nicolas Cage is a shitty actor, but that he doesn’t act in the first place. Keanu Reeves is a shitty actor. Kevin Spacey is a shitty actor. Kevin Spacey is a shitty actor. Kevin Spacey is a shitty actor. Oh, and Kevin Spacey. That guy is a shitty ass actor.

Once upon a time, I had high hopes for Nick Cage. I watched Con Air, which was the first movie I ever saw him in, and I thought to myself, “wow, I only looked at porn on my computer twice during this ball tugger, I bet this guy does some great movies in the coming years!” Unfortunately, I was simply young and incredibly stupid. Hell, in those days, I hadn’t yet realized that if I used my other hand during masturbation, it would feel like a retard was slapping at my groin. It helped a lot that I have a drooling problem and find South Park funny.

In the long run, I don’t believe that the cinematic world will have too much of a stain on it from Cage’s “contributions,” but it’s a very depressing view to see that he is an increasingly higher paid actor, whereas people like Matt Damon aren’t the lead-actor in every single movie. Can you imagine Matt Damon playing James Bond and Vesper in Casino Royale? He would have been all over himself, and still had enough saliva left to spit in Le Chiffre’s gimpy-ass eye.

A man can dream.

According to Wikipedia, Cage is playing a character called Balthazar Blake in an upcoming 2010 movie called The Sorcerer’s Apprentice. Does that not infuriate you? Balthazar Blake, god damnit. Blathazar fucking Blake. The movie is based on a poem of the same name by Goethe. That son of a bitch is going to ruin a Goethe poem.

Goethe would shit on his face without even taking off his manly sun dress.

Goethe would shit on his face without even taking off his manly sun dress.

Might I mention that Nick Cage’s middle name is Kim? Or that his last name is Coppola? He is living a lie, and we are eating it up like whiskey-flavored beer. You know, that’s an idea right there: get drunk before I watch one of his movies. Everyone acts better when you’re pissed out of your ass on booze.

I don’t give ratings, but if I did give ratings, Nick Cage would get a ten out of ten douche bags. That is if my ratings revolved around douches, and the higher the number you get, the bigger piece of shit you are. This is all hypothetical, of course.


March 25, 2009 - Posted by | Shitty Reviewer


  1. Pretty sure that Goethe picture is actually just you on a warm Sunday morning you fucking poof.

    Comment by pillsner | March 25, 2009 | Reply

  2. I got that dress from your mother.

    Comment by shittyreviewer | March 25, 2009 | Reply

    • Bitch, my man ain’t your babies daddy.

      Comment by pillsner | March 25, 2009 | Reply

      • / /U\ \

        Comment by shittyreviewer | March 25, 2009 | Reply

      • That’s to scale isn’t it.

        Comment by pillsner | March 25, 2009 | Reply

  3. That depends on your concept of scale. For example, the concept of pH, and in turn it’s scale, was first introduced by Danish chemist S. P. L. Sørensen at the Carlsberg Laboratory in 1909. Do you mean that scale? I do have a powerful acidity to my flesh flute. Jean André Deluc created Réaumur’s thermometer scale. That’s temperature. My knee-tapper is fairly warm during most occasions. The Richter scale was devised in 1935 by the American seismologist Charles F. Richter (1900-1985). My groin goblin has unfolded at alarming rates in the past and dealt out some wicked seismology reports. Remember the tsunami that hit Indonesia? Yep, you can thank my ten pound hammer. If you mean length, then you should know that Gabriel Mouton, the vicar of St. Paul’s Church in Lyons, France, is the “founding father” of the metric system. While I am certainly no Captain America in the girth world, I can assure you that Dr. Do-not-so-little does not take kindly to insulting accusations, and will immediately hunt down your mother.

    Comment by shittyreviewer | March 25, 2009 | Reply

    • Comment by pillsner | March 25, 2009 | Reply

  4. we fucking suck at xhtml

    Comment by pillsner | March 25, 2009 | Reply

    • I know. =/

      Comment by shittyreviewer | March 25, 2009 | Reply

  5. I like what I am reading so far. Never before have I felt this way about another man. I suspect this must be what prison is like.

    Comment by LONGTIME | March 25, 2009 | Reply

    • That is the overbearing desire to touch Matt Damon’s chest.

      Comment by shittyreviewer | March 25, 2009 | Reply

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