Shitty Reviews

A Parody of Reality

Prison Populations

I’d like to take a moment out of your busy day to discuss an increasing problem in the prison systems today: Some states, like New York, have massive over-crowding, especially in the maximum security sector, nearing 130 percent. That’s pretty over-populated, something akin to jamming four hundred refugees into a single life boat.

Who fucking farted.

Seriously guys, who farted.

As you can see this does not look too comfortable. Multiply that by 1 in every 3 prisoners aching to burst your butt cherry, and you’ve got some pretty interesting, albeit sleepless, nights. Sharing a bunk with Bobby the Pedophile probably wasn’t what you had in mind when you pulled a knife on that little old lady… and then promptly slaughtered her. But what can we do about the over crowded prisons, you might ask? The answer is actually quite obvious.

Gladiator games, of course! I’m sure you’ve thought of it before whilst high off your ass and thinking “holy shit that’s awesome.” Watching prisoners fight to the death would be an excellent, and entertaining, way of lowering the pet… I mean prison population. It’s like Gladiator, meets Death Race, meets the pointy end of a stick in your face. Imagine the money saved! Not including the appeals process, which every death row prisoner goes through, it costs ~ $ 36,000 to house one death row inmate for one year. That’s more than your mother spends on dildos in a life time.


The only obvious solution is to end this nonsense of spending more on prisoners and their comfort than we do on sexual pleasure. There’s something seriously wrong with a society that does that. To combat the rising tide of death row inmates and their associated costs, the only solution is to watch them die in (we hope) hilarious ways. We can profit from their death, thereby lowering tax payer costs and increasing state revenue, all in one swift blow!



All that remains to be done is deciding what weapons will be used, how to reward the victor, and how to ensure that you have a constant supply of combatants. I propose we up the ante a bit on how executions are carried out; get back to our roots a little. For years we’ve used pussy devices like gas chambers, or lethal injections. The time for torture is at hand! Faced with days of agony before their ultimate demise, many potential gladiators will flock to the arena if only to escape death by spider monkey.

Yeah, this guy.

Yeah, this guy.

To handle potential combatants winning multiple battles, a procedure will be put into place to ensure said gladiator never leaves the arena alive. It will, of course, be made to look accidental, but if possible pardon and freedom is offered to the victor, the sands will run red with blood. Taxpayers will save more money, and society as a whole will be better off.

And if not, who the fuck cares? I, for one, would welcome the chance to sit down to my evening meal and watch 2 grown men slash each other to bits with creatively constructed weapons.

Imagine this up your ass.

Imagine this up your ass.

-The Bitter Pillsner

“Fuck you, I’m this drunk”

2/5 mutilated corpses for the present prison system death penalty


March 25, 2009 - Posted by | Pillsner

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