Shitty Reviews

A Parody of Reality


Wind is Mother Nature’s fuck you to poor people. Alongside poverty.

Raise your hand if you're poor!

Raise your hand if you're poor!

Surprisingly, however, wind is a very misunderstood act of nature. Wind is the flow of air and gases in the atmosphere – or in other words, air molecules moving amongst themselves. How does that make it misunderstood, though? I can explain that in a single word: fucked. That is everything and nothing that you are when wind rapes your body from every direction.

Let’s consider the positives first: wind is one of the most powerful forces on Earth, and it utilizes its power to annihilate everything in its path. Once upon a time there was no wind. You wouldn’t remember these years, mostly because you suck. I was there. Man, you should have seen it. Back before Jesus screwed us all to burn in eternal Hellfire by totally getting himself killed on the behalf of people that didn’t even ask for it the world was calm and stable. Water didn’t move. It didn’t have to. There was no water. We drank air. I actually still drink air. You can piss a lot more discreetly when you’re just pissing out stinky air. It’s like I’m farting from my dick.

Slightly less sexy than air escaping my testicle tent.

Slightly less sexy than air escaping my testicle tent.

During these early years, I destroyed empires using the leg bone from an impressively large specimen of dinosaur, Oprahsaurus, and I shit all over wherever I wanted to. There is nothing more demeaning towards ants than shitting on their hills. It takes thousands of them to lift a healthy shit log, and all you’ve gotta do is drop another one right on top in the middle of the migration, and blam, super pile of shit coated in thousands of writhing, foul-smelling ants. Excellent.

The original wind was caused by an earthquake – the one that actually killed the dinosaurs. While the Big Bang Theory seems sound enough, it was actually the Big Ass Earthquake that did it. The earthquake was caused by tectonic plates crashing together in the modern day Atlantic Ocean region. The force was so incredibly powerful that water was moved for the first time (all of the other earthquakes up to that point were pussies), and the sudden friction in the water caused the temperature to rise slightly. This rise in temperature caused air bubbles to form and lift, and once the gas escaped into the air, we were fucked forever.

I remember the first time wind ever pressed against my nubile, gorgeous features. I burst into tears at the feeling and carved poetry into my wrists for forty days and forty nights. At the end of these nights, my weeping became so intense that God appeared before me. After I had sex with Natalie Portman, Matt Damon agreed that wind had to stay forever. While distraught, I kept a strand of His hair. All is well. I am manlier for it, and have never cried since.

Wind is tricky, like a hobbit.

I fucking hate trixy Hobbits.

I fucking hate trixy Hobbits.

Regardless, it has done some very good things for us. For example:

  • Lifted Marilyn Monroe’s dress.
  • Moves cigarette smoke into the nostrils of hippies.
  • Blows off trucker hats.
  • Kills babies.

There are plenty more things I could talk about, but wind would kick my ass if I kept giving away all of its secrets. So, let’s switch to the negative of wind. Wind is a fucking dick. It hates anything that is wider than a chain-link fence pole or thinner than existence. Wind brings cold air. Cold air is a douchebag, the cousin of wind, that shows up every few weeks to shrink my hairless, botoxed nuts into obscurity.

Cold originated in Scandinavia, which is bad ass, but instead of carrying some wench-raping Vikings to plunder our ilk, it came alone, with birds and shit. Fuck that and fuck birds.

Cold, you fucking douchebag.

Cold, you are a fucking douchebag.

Instead of teaching us the ways of wearing animal skins, it forced us to wear animal skins. I don’t want to fucking wear animal skins. I like animals (except for birds, but I don’t think they have skin). So there I am in the first century, dealing with cold, wearing a moose I killed with my cock, holding on to my nuts and cursing wind for what it has brought me by being related to a douchebag. But wind and I have sort of an accord with each other now.

In 1973, O.J. Simpson became the first pro-football player to ever rush 2000 yards in a pro-football season. You know why? Wind. I asked wind to do it. Why would I ever ask wind to do that? You see, O.J. sold his soul to me for that record, and when I came to collect, he backed out like a big, memorabilia-stealing pussy. Welcome to court, you son of a bitch.

He won that one. Fucking Johnny Cochran. Lost the next one, though. HAH. GOTCHA, YOU BALL-CODDLING ASSHOLE NUZZLER.

Suck it.

Suck it.

Don’t back out on a deal with me, or I will frame you for murder. If the glove don’t fit, you’re a piece of talentless shit.

I was drinking some beers with Pillsner last night, and wind showed up in the bar. I immediately became pissed off, because between you and me, wind owes me six thousand and eighty-four dollars, but I was cordial enough. I was like “sup, you money-thieving cunt?” and wind was like “oh, hey, how’s it going man?” So I went to wind’s house and fucked his wife. I took a shower when I was done, and guess what? Dry in six seconds flat. Fuck yeah, how’s that for a blowjob?

The Japanese have a word, Kamikaze, that roughly translates into “divine wind.” They believe that wind is a gift from God, but I ask Matt Damon for shit all the time and all he’s given me is a restraining order, not a natural force of power that can create tsunamis, crush mountains, and roll rocks in front of skateboard wheels at the park. In Norse mythology, Njord is the God of Wind. Fucking Njord, the biggest bad ass since the title character of Bullets, Blood, and a Fistful of Cash, is the God of Wind. That’s insulting to mythology, and more so, insulting to Njord. He should be the God of Killing Everything, because that’s what he fucking does.

I was just looking at wikipedia to find some more random facts about wind, but I don’t understand what the fuck these people are talking about. Solar winds, cyclones, baroclinicty, etc etc. Baroclinicity? Chris Brown has a better grasp of reality than these people. There are only a few words that should ever be correlated with wind: fucked, dickhead, bitchass, annihilator, Trogdor, and superassrammerstraightfrommattdamonsingloriousballoonknot.

As I’ve said, I’m not someone who gives ratings, but I think that wind deserves one. We’ll go with a rating of old people falling down in terms of how awesome it is: I say seven old people falling down and breaking necessary bones out of ten. Surprised? Seven out of ten, and all I’ve done is shit in wind’s cereal?

The simple fact is that wind is the perfect asshole of the natural world. It can do whatever the fuck it wants, and you can’t do anything back to it. Have you seen that commercial where the kid traps wind in a jar and takes it home to his old ass grandfather’s birthday party, and the wind breaks free, blows the cake everywhere, and slaughters the family before devouring their souls?

"His father tasted like gold (must've been Jewish)" -Wind

"His father tasted like gold (must've been Jewish)." -Wind

Seven out of ten. Wind crushes lives. Like Vikings. You know, I erred a bit earlier, when I said that wind allowed cold to not bring us Vikings. Vikings and wind are like peanut butter and tattoos, but Vikings think cold can suck a fat goat cock. Have you ever seen a Viking? They don’t feel cold. They swim in glaciers, nude, floating around on their gigantic porpoise dicks, telling cold to go fuck its mother. It does it, too. You do what a Viking tells you to do.

Wind rules.


March 26, 2009 - Posted by | Shitty Reviewer

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