Shitty Reviews

A Parody of Reality


NCIS is the show that is so manly that if it were a person, it would have hairy eyeballs. Whenever you’re flipping through the channels on your television, idly swapping your gaze between the screen and the monitor of your computer just in case that girl you met on an anime forum messages you, and suddenly you gain an erection: blam, NCIS is on.

The only thing manlier than NCIS is beef jerky and the only thing manlier than beef jerky is a naked woman wrapped in bear meat, masturbating with an axe handle.

NCIS is short for Naval Criminal Investigative Service, or something made-up similar to that, since there’s no such thing as NCIS. There’s only a few law enforcement agencies: FBI, CIA, LAPD, NYPD, GTFO, and IRS. NCIS was made up, and it actually stands for No Cock Is Small, because everyone on the show has a gigantic pants hammer. Especially Ziva.

Her clit is bigger than an industrial toilet.

Her clit is bigger than an industrial toilet.

The premise of NCIS is basically the same of any cop drama you may find on tv, except that it’s good. You may be a big fan of the four different Law and Orders, which of course means you don’t like vagina, or maybe the sixty CSIs, which is short for Cock Suckers Institute, since everyone on those shows constantly gobble beef sticks.

There are, technically, seven primary characters of new and old in NCIS:

  • Leroy Jethro Gibbs – the one who kills your mother
  • Anthony DiNozzo – the one who then fucks your dead mother
  • Kate Todd – the dead one, so probably your mother
  • Ziva David – the one who watches your mother get killed and fucked and doesn’t cringe
  • Abby Sciuto – the one that tests Tony’s semen
  • “Ducky” Mallard – after this one tells a long-winded story about someone else Gibbs killed
  • Timothy McGee – the one that takes pictures, plays Dungeons & Dragons, and ultimately is a copy of everyone who uses the internet, except for me, because I have had sex more someone other than Pamela Handerson

In 1846, Leroy Jethro Gibbs was born. His name is Leroy, because he is actually black, as all black people in the 1800s were named Leroy. But Shitty, he’s white! you may yell annoyingly at your monitor in hopes that I give a shit.

I don't, and neither does Jesus.

I don't, and neither does Jesus.

Once in a while, some people are so manly that they’re confused to be black. This is caused when a baby is born already with a beard, an engorged erection, and testicles larger than a pair of Volvos. This is a common misconception, as it is actually more likely for a Caucasion to have a massive aluminum boxer bat than a black individual. The issue is that most people simply don’t realize that white people do have massive cocks.

This misconception first began in the early 1700s, when a Moor (see: black person with a cooler name) was first found. People were shocked at how gigantic his shlong was, and in turn, began to feel inferior. Galileo (still alive for the sake of an inpenetrable argument), made mention that, in fact, white people are born with two penises, and a single leg. One penis is smaller, though sometimes large by standards of the average penis, while the other is Thor-like, and fits perfectly into a shoe.

Generally, NCIS starts off with some sort of murder, discovery of a murder, or scene in which murder is indicated to some to fruition sooner rather than later. Then, Gibbs gets an erection, slaps someone on the back of the head with it, and shoots off a detective-like load all over the D.C. Metropolitan area. Regardless of all possibilities, and reality, the load stalks down the murderer, which is usually a woman, and impregnates her. The baby matures in seconds flat, and punches through her uturus, bursts into existence, shaves its nuts with the smooth top of a stapler, and kills a bear.

The baby then flies into space and bangs a lot of hot alien chicks.

Once upon a time, the manliest show on television was The Smurfs. Give me as much shit as you want about it, but bear in mind that the concept of the show was that Gargamel, a bald wizard-like man of epic manly proportions, wanted nothing in life more than to eat Smurfs. He spent multiple seasons trying to eat fucking Smurfs. He was trying to internally accomplish what we wanted to do on the outside, but simply did not have the omniscient metaphysical power to do so. He eventually died of cancer, because he was actually 24 in that show, and still looked like a dead guy wearing another dead guy.

Dying men especially enjoy the tender touch of Hustler.

Dying men especially enjoy the tender touch of Hustler.

An episode of NCIS stands in my mind more than any other. I don’t know what it was titled, but I’m going to venture it was something like “NCIS Ruins Your Shit and Hands Your Ass Back to You, Covered in the Blood of Your Mother.” In the episode, Gibbs and Tony hear about a murder of a Corporal or whatever the hell ranking system the Navy has, and they drive out to Las Vegas. Gibbs kills twelve orphans while Tony wins ten billion dollars and pays Kate so she’ll get naked. Gibbs then kills her for not having dinner ready, and replaces her with Ziva. Abby shows up, and everyone wants to see her naked, but then Ducky takes his shirt off and everyone loses their erection, except for Gibbs, who beats McGee to death with it for not getting him coffee quickly enough.

Everyone has a great laugh, and then they gang-banged Abby. Best episode ever.

In following with my normal manner of saying I don’t give ratings and then giving one anyways, let me say that NCIS is not getting a rating of fourteen pulsating, calloused testicles out of ten. That’s right, fourteen out of ten. Of course, it’s not actually getting that rating, because I don’t give ratings.  But if I did give ratings, it would get an awesome rating, because it is awesome.

Gibbs only smiles after he pisses on a culture's religious icon. Sucks for Buddha, his fat ass just got a warm shower.

Gibbs only smiles after he pisses on a culture's religious icon. Sucks for Buddha, his fat ass just got a warm shower.

You know that feeling you’re noticing right now? It’s deep in your abdomen, like a thick shit is trying to force its way out of your dick hole. That’s not a shit. It’s not even semen. It’s your testicles, climbing through your shaft, vying for freedom to track down Gibbs and kneel before him.

If you’ve never seen NCIS before, then you are an illegal immigrant and can’t afford television (or someone else with another classification that’s insulting). If you have seen NCIS and didn’t like it, then you didn’t get beaten as a child like you should have been. I’m going to beat the shit out of my children if and when the countless women I’ve impregnated have them (see: stair abortionist), if only so they don’t grow up to be pussies. I’ll make them listen to metal, watch NCIS, drink beer out of elven skulls, and only wear underwear if they go to Walmart – because all of the fat women their will slob all over him with greasy lips if he doesn’t, and that’s just gross.

Watch NCIS, or cut off your balls, which you probably don’t have if you haven’t seen it yet, anyways. In fact, tear off your balls and mail them to Gibbs, and maybe he won’t crush your shin bones with his ginormous prick.

Matt Damon produces NCIS. Matt Damon.


March 27, 2009 Posted by | Shitty Reviewer | Leave a comment