Shitty Reviews

A Parody of Reality

Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is one of those things that are inherently awesome and horrible at the same time. Nothing is more hilarious than a woman getting the shit kicked out of her, and yet there is a type of rage towards the man that initiates the violence that burns deep in my testicles. I knew a guy once that used to beat his girlfriend, and he came to brag to me about it, and I laughed at the story, and then I broke his cock off and fed it to my iguana.

People who commit domestic violence are the scum of the planet and need a taste of their own medicine (see: Pillsner’s review on prison population). If you get your rocks off on beating women, then you shouldn’t have rocks, and I’ll gladly remove them for you with a powerful grip and tug. There is a secondary facet to domestic violence that most people don’t allow to come to mind when the subject is brought up: sometimes, women beat up the men.

I use the term “men” loosely here, because any man that gets overpowered by a chick is technically a chick, so it’s closer to lesbian S&M porn than a struggle between partners for dominancy, or dinner. These encounters usually go something like this:

Man: Honey, what do you want for dinner tonight?
Woman: Food, you bitch of a cock-wielder! Did you record that movie on Lifetime for me?
Man: Of course, dear. I also took out the trash, did the dishes, did your taxes, cleaned the entire house, swept the porch, asexually reproduced so you would not have to go through the pain of child birth, went through the pain of child birth, watered the plants, mowed the lawn, fed the dog, fed the cat, fed the newborn child, and plucked my eyebrows.
Woman: You did what?! You plucked your eyebrows?! Did I tell you that you could pluck your eyebrows?!
Man: Well, no, dear, but I ran out of things to do for you.
Woman: Impossible! I have a limitless potential of necessities that you should continually be striving to achieve with every aspect of your indentured soul.
Man: I’m sorry, sweetie.
Woman: I’m going to beat you like you’re my dick and I’m angry at my parents.

This sad display is what most psychologists refer to as “marriage,” and sadly, most of them end with the man wearing pink shirts, styling his hair, and having sex with dudes (not to be confused with his burly, hairy wife). Domestic violence is an ever-growing problem in the world today, and a lot of people argue that it is simply something that you can’t joke about. Bullshit. You can joke about anything; as Chris Rock says, it’s completely based on the context.

If you’re hanging out with your best friend, who happens to be a girl (this is completely hypothetical, because it is impossible to be friends with a girl, because females inherently despise their friends for not living up to their incessant, overbearing idea of what a friend should be: ie, a robot that serves only their needs and has no goals, aspirations, happiness, etc), and she tells you that her boyfriend has been beating her. There are two ways to deal with this situation, one being the right way, and one being the wrong way:

Wrong: Wrap your arm around her shoulders and tell her everything is going to be okay. Grab her a bowl of some super-fattening ice cream, some peanut butter bars, and a Dr. Pepper, and gently stroke her hair while she weeps on your chest, even though you know she’s never going to have sex with you because you will now permanently remind her of one of the worst times in her life.

Right: Wrap your arm around her shoulders and tell her everything is going to be okay. Excuse yourself, and laugh uncontrollably in the hall. Then, go fuck her boyfriend through the eye socket, while not forgetting to continuously yell “take it like the woman beating sack of shit you are, you fucking son of a bitch” over and over. Ejaculate directly into his brain, and wait to see if Matt Damon consummates it fully and you are granted a child of punish rape, of which you will name Furion the Terrible.

Germans can’t say “Furion,” so they went with “Adolf."

Germans can’t say “Furion,” so they went with “Adolf."

Is there ever a time when domestic violence towards women is acceptable? That’s a very difficult question to tackle, because there is technically no right or wrong answer. Morally-speaking, no, there is no correct time to do it. Ethically-speaking, yes, there is. It seems counter-productive to say that, but consider it like this: The moral man will never hit a woman, no matter the circumstance; the ethical man will say that he will never hit a woman, no matter the circumstance.

So which one are you, and how do you find out? If you are a moral individual, you have found this entire review offensive, and are writing up an angry letter for that feminist blog you post on, even though you’re not a chick (most feminists aren’t technically women, either, because they have more body hair than Chuck Norris has memes). If you’re ethical, you’re angered, but you grasp the levity of the situation. Levity in domestic violence?! Madness!

Incorrect. There is humor in everything, which is why the world is a funny place. You can find as much anger as happiness in any given fact as the next guy, but it is how you process it that makes the difference. If you see a fat person fall down some stairs, you feel jovial and sympathetic at the same time. A moral man will help ‘ol fatty, while the ethical will say “someone should help that guy up.” Of course, there’s technically a third type of person, whom will watch the situation, laugh, call a friend, tell that friend, whom is the same type of person, so the process repeats until the fat person is called, told about himself, and inevitably laughs because he doesn’t know it’s about himself and is a dickhead.

Deciding when a good domestic violence scenario is okay to laugh at is a tricky thing to do. First of all, you have to judge the inhabitants, and the situation they are in. Here is a small chart that you can refer to:

So, as you can see, the only times it is acceptable to laugh at domestic violence is when a white man beats up a white woman or a Hispanic woman, a black man beats up a white woman, or an Asian man beats up anyone – especially an Asian woman, because she will immediately pull out a sword and defend the honor of her father.

She will ruin your shit, and by ruin I mean fuck you with a wakizashi.

She will ruin your shit, and by ruin I mean fuck you with a wakizashi.

Now, not all domestic violence is a straight ass-whopping, as there are times when a good forceful strike is all that is necessary. Sometimes your girlfriend doesn’t scrub the bathtub, so you need to remind her of her duties with a Shoryuken. This can also be solved with a genuine, heart-felt talk about compromised duties around the household, but the former gives you exercise, and her a reminder of her glass jaw. Back in the earliest years of human existence, it was common practice for men to drag their women around by the hair. This has been scientifically proven by the classic Nintendo title Cave Man Games.

These days, you wouldn’t be able to have a game like that. If a video game were to imply that women are in any way inferior, then millions of women everywhere would immediately go on their period and queef out some yawn sob story about how they’ve been mistreated in life. Women are constantly striving to be considered equal with men, and yet they use their feminine wiles to achieve that goal. I was at a feminist rally once (not because I support feminism, but because I figured that thousands of lesbians in one spot inevitably meant some carpet munching would happen on top of my face), and a woman had a loud speaker, and was screeching something about inferior genders, final solutions, and heiling. While that was an overt Nazi reference, allow me to input here the fact that she honestly did have a Nazi mustache, and worst still, I think she knew it.

That’s the kind of shit that both creeps me out and infuriates me about feminists: it’s a combination of acceptable laziness and Hippy mindsets. This idea of free love isn’t so much “free” as “one-sided” and “hairy.” Women want to be the men in relationships, but women can’t be the men in relationships. Men are the men in relationships. That’s why we have dicks, because we’re men. You have clits. Bend over and take it, you genetic secondaries.

So, after dropping a verbal deuce, the crowd cheered and pumped their fists upwards, like a single-minded mob. After vomiting all over some gorilla-gal at the site of thousands of hairy armpits (more than one of them had the dreaded L.L. syndrome), I forced my way through with my erection and stole the loud speaker from her.

Mama said learn to apply antiperspirants.

Mama said learn to apply antiperspirants.

Nude, quivering in a fall wind, I leaned forward, using my cock as a kick-stand, and fed the baby birds a can of worms known as “masculine justice.” After demolishing all of their shit, every one of them shaved, asked for a decanter of my seed to knock themselves up with, and went home to cook dinner. I dedicated myself, from that point on, to spreading my word across the globe, and if everyone were to simply heed me, domestic violence would change from acts of rage to acts of boredom, and would eventually taper off completely.

Despite everything, it is important to note that domestic violence in any shape or form is an unrelenting assault on the intelligence of humanity. There is never any situation where it is acceptable, any scenario where it is genuinely funny, and any idea relating to it whatsoever that should ever suggest that it should be carried out against women, or men, for that matter. Domestic violence does not get a rating, because it is not the kind of thing that should be rated. It is disgusting, and anyone who has ever hit a woman for any reason other than self-defense, or likewise in regards to women towards men, should die painfully, drowning in their own shame. If you know anyone that has been a victim of domestic violence, plead with them to call the police and break free, and if they won’t, then call the police yourself. Don’t allow a friend or an enemy to be in an abusive relationship, no matter the circumstance.

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March 28, 2009 - Posted by | Shitty Reviewer

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