Shitty Reviews

A Parody of Reality

Hunting

The art of hunting has been around for as long as there have been small, helpless creatures to kill in brutal and hilarious ways. Scientists like to set the date around the same time Shitty Reviewer was cursing the wind and fucking Natalie Portman. It has been estimated that over 6 billion people engage in this wonderful and clearly adrenaline pumping sport. There are a few different types of hunting, bear hunting, squirrel hunting, deer hunting, witch hunting, human hunting, whale hunting, tail hunting, bird hunting, deer hunting, bear hunting, witch hunting, human hunting, Nazi hunting. Mostly just a few vindictive jews engage in the delightful sport of Nazi hunting, although witch hunting is still the most common form… especially in Africa.

Fuck you, Africa.

Fuck you, Africa.

African witch hunting is based on the old but reliable belief  “if we can’t understand it, it’s probably a witch” that dates back to some time before humanity first crawled out of the primal ooze that is my jizz. Or for the rest of you, some 6 thousand years ago. Fossils prove nothing.

The most preferred method of witch eradication is the use of sharpened blades, more commonly known as machetes. Or whatever is handy really, remember it is Africa. But hey, relax, before you crawl out of your hut, brush the sand from your balls, and go on a machete swinging massacre you’ve got to learn how to recognize a witch. To best identify a witch you should look at their features, firstly, do they look differently than me? Secondly, if they talk (nag)a lot, refuse to cook you dinner, or dare to mouth back they are probably a witch. Third and most importantly, if they refuse to date you and/or cook tasty pies. If you answered yes to any of the above, you’re probably a witch and we will be seeing you soon.

Probably a witch.

Probably a witch.

As you can see she conforms to several of our criteria set forth above. The man stew she happens to be feasting on is just a bonus. Of late witch hunting has produced some brutal, limb severing killings in Africa. The New York Times tells us that Africa has not seen such a display of inhumane and machete wielding cruelty since… some time last week or something. Let’s face it Africa is a pretty shitty place to live. If you can add 2 and 2 you’re probably going to be burnt at the stake, partly for being a witch but mostly because you’re among the top 10 smartest people in that filth-ridden shit hole. Africans believe the witch in question must be hacked into either 12, or 14 pieces before questioning and accusations can begin.

This works too.

This works too.

But another form of hunting also exists, the “art” of deer hunting, in which hardcore rednecks  seek to increase their pitiful self-esteem by killing and maiming small, helpless, defense-less critters. Bitter? Hardly, I’m just of the opinion that this sport needs to be livened up a bit, provide a better challenge to the “hunters”. What fun is there in shooting something that’s running away.. well maybe the Germans enjoyed it, but still. Deer look pretty sweet, and they help with natural selection by standing in the middle of roads, at night,  in a ball shattering display of “I fucking dare you to hit me” manliness.

Go ahead, do it. I fucking dare you.

Go ahead, do it. I fucking dare you.

I just can’t find fun in shooting the poor things, especially with guns. Do they get off on it? Is there a sexual thrill in killing something that cannot defend itself unless its 3 inches away from you, tearing your stomach open with its antlers and painting the ground with your intestines. What about bear hunting? I propose all self proclaimed hunters must first get into a UFC style cage match with a bear, nothing but the weapons nature gave you. If you can walk away alive you’ve earned the right to hunt lesser creatures, as well as cup the breasts of Selma Hayek. Otherwise, be prepared for a few fanatics from PETA to unleash their ultimate weapon to combat the growing hunter problem.

deer

Something like this.

-The Bitter Pillsner

“Fuck you, I’m this drunk”

3/5 dead Bambi

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March 26, 2009 Posted by | Pillsner | Leave a comment

Prison Populations

I’d like to take a moment out of your busy day to discuss an increasing problem in the prison systems today: Some states, like New York, have massive over-crowding, especially in the maximum security sector, nearing 130 percent. That’s pretty over-populated, something akin to jamming four hundred refugees into a single life boat.

Who fucking farted.

Seriously guys, who farted.

As you can see this does not look too comfortable. Multiply that by 1 in every 3 prisoners aching to burst your butt cherry, and you’ve got some pretty interesting, albeit sleepless, nights. Sharing a bunk with Bobby the Pedophile probably wasn’t what you had in mind when you pulled a knife on that little old lady… and then promptly slaughtered her. But what can we do about the over crowded prisons, you might ask? The answer is actually quite obvious.

Gladiator games, of course! I’m sure you’ve thought of it before whilst high off your ass and thinking “holy shit that’s awesome.” Watching prisoners fight to the death would be an excellent, and entertaining, way of lowering the pet… I mean prison population. It’s like Gladiator, meets Death Race, meets the pointy end of a stick in your face. Imagine the money saved! Not including the appeals process, which every death row prisoner goes through, it costs ~ $ 36,000 to house one death row inmate for one year. That’s more than your mother spends on dildos in a life time.

ha

The only obvious solution is to end this nonsense of spending more on prisoners and their comfort than we do on sexual pleasure. There’s something seriously wrong with a society that does that. To combat the rising tide of death row inmates and their associated costs, the only solution is to watch them die in (we hope) hilarious ways. We can profit from their death, thereby lowering tax payer costs and increasing state revenue, all in one swift blow!

Hilarious.

Hilarious.

All that remains to be done is deciding what weapons will be used, how to reward the victor, and how to ensure that you have a constant supply of combatants. I propose we up the ante a bit on how executions are carried out; get back to our roots a little. For years we’ve used pussy devices like gas chambers, or lethal injections. The time for torture is at hand! Faced with days of agony before their ultimate demise, many potential gladiators will flock to the arena if only to escape death by spider monkey.

Yeah, this guy.

Yeah, this guy.

To handle potential combatants winning multiple battles, a procedure will be put into place to ensure said gladiator never leaves the arena alive. It will, of course, be made to look accidental, but if possible pardon and freedom is offered to the victor, the sands will run red with blood. Taxpayers will save more money, and society as a whole will be better off.

And if not, who the fuck cares? I, for one, would welcome the chance to sit down to my evening meal and watch 2 grown men slash each other to bits with creatively constructed weapons.

Imagine this up your ass.

Imagine this up your ass.

-The Bitter Pillsner

“Fuck you, I’m this drunk”

2/5 mutilated corpses for the present prison system death penalty

March 25, 2009 Posted by | Pillsner | Leave a comment